Race or Run?

Heading into Saturday's Siskiyou Out and Back 50k event, my body is primed for a strong performance. When I consider the workouts and the numbers from this long cycle, it's hard not to invest in the notion that this has to go well. Math--and all that logic behind it--continues to vex me, but that doesn't mean I don't try to crunch numbers and project sums. This often pushes me toward a generalizing trap. If I look long enough at the recorded data, try to set it on equal sides of plus sign, I can't help but hope that Saturday equates to some kind of running boon. But running is not necessarily an equation, and the surplus is never certain.

The SOB 50k weaves around the Pacific Crest Trail departing from the Mt. Ashland Ski Resort, and remains an unknown for me. I'm also unfamiliar with the 31-mile distance. Saturday's conditions, as always, remain a mystery. Heat? Elevation? Fueling? Wildfire? Lightning (look no further than third overall Adam Campbell at the Hardrock 100 last weekend!)? Races are always subject to myriad outside factors, so I'm doing my best to avoid the aforementioned numbers trap and the "what-if" hypothesizing.

But does that mean SOB isn't a "race"? With so many unknowns--and for me, firsts--is there really a way to avoid seeing this as just another "run"? I can't help but wonder, is there a clear switch that individuals hit in order to distinguish one from the other?

This spring and summer, I've had my share of disastrous training runs. There's been various kinds of botched fueling and hydrating and grueling climbs at unbreathable elevations. I've fallen--twice this cycle--in the middle of 20-plus mile runs. Feeling the sharp pain of road rash, coupled with the sight of dirt and blood, makes the ability to regain composure in a remote location, hours away from the car, a difficult  process. What choice is left? You start running. The pace of some of these less enjoyable runs has been all over the map. I've walked up hills I'd sprinted up just weeks before. I've slogged through botched speed work, soggy shoes, and sweltering temperatures.

I've also experienced sustained fits of joy. I slewed elevation climbs, slaughtered down hills, and stabilized intervals. I managed to run for over three hours in a childlike stupor, hardly believing in the existence of time or conditions. I can only hope to replicate and prolong the joy during the race, but with such varied experiences, it's almost silly. If there is a switch between run and race, some omnipresent finger is perpetually testing its durability on me. If this authoritarian flipper is failing to distinguish days or events, why should I force myself to?

And so when my dear mates and family members wish me "good luck" in my "race" this weekend, I continue to politely thank them. But I take a second to remind them that this can't be about racing and it can't be about luck. It's another run--like those before it in principle, and like all those subject the crucible of the given day and time and meal and moment.

So where's my mind?

Simply, I will try to feel good. I will do what I can do when I can do it. I will ask my body and hope that it responds.

I will complete, and also compete. Yet, my competition is with the steps I take, not the splits I make. Analyzing it any more just seems, for me at least, like a recipe for disaster.